That’s it? Four sentences? Still, you can’t imagine how thrilled your almost-mother was to receive your message! Hearing from you instantly changed my mind: I’ve decided to have you after all. I’ve moved to Montreal, where, thanks to subsidized daycare and ever-increasing federal transfer payments, I can make a better living as an unemployed mother than I could working full time in Toronto. (Vive le séparatisme!) I’m currently searching for an appropriate father/sperm donor and have already frozen enough eggs to hatch a whole Brady Bunch — and Alice! So please don’t move on — stay tuned for further instructions as to when to get your ethereal ass down here.

xxxoooxxxooo,
Future-Mom/Mère-de-l’avenir

PS: I’ve set up a webcam here. Is that possible in your realm? I’m dying to lay eyes on you. By the way, my hair isn’t usually this dark. I’m seeing my colourist next week.

posted on mysoul.com: 15/09/07

Dear Almost-Mom,

Sorry, but it’s too late. I just accepted another offer — one I couldn’t refuse. To make a long story short, I managed to negotiate a guaranteed adoption by a major celebrity within ten days of birth (I’m hoping for Angelina, as Madonna and Mia are old enough to be my grandmothers). It’s nothing personal — who could say no to that lifestyle? I just hope I’m photogenic.

Good luck finding another candidate.

Womb wishes,
Almost-Child

PS: A bit of advice: enough with the TV references. Nobody under twenty watches TV anymore.