My friend Suzy found herself caught between prospective plans. “At first, I thought the idea of you being the donor was perfect,” she told me. “We are, after all, pretty much family. But as we continued the home insemination, a sense of doubt set in. I felt I was having a baby with my best friend when I was supposed to be having a child with my wife. That phone call was one of the hardest things I’d ever had to do. But if I really felt that the path we’d chosen was not going to work for us, I felt it imperative to be honest about it.”

Whatever the choice may be, I would like to offer a framework for at least part of this brave new world of parenting. I conclude with some suggestions, culled from first-hand experience, for the etiquette of dumping your sperm donor with grace, dignity, and sensitivity.

Don’t beat around the bush. The person you’re telling will want to know clearly, and as soon as possible, of your decision not to go with him. He can usually sense, quite easily, your avoidance of something so profound.

Work out your specific reasons for opting out and write them down, so your reasoning is consistent. Your now-ex-donor friend deserves a clear explanation.

It may sound surprising, but I think a phone call is the best way to approach the situation (and I don’t mean in a voice mail message). After having hashed out such a discussion, the former donor may want to get off the phone and be alone to process this emotionally charged news.

Finally, I would offer one crucial bit of advice for the ex-donor: don’t take it personally. This may seem almost impossible, but think of the larger issues at hand. What’s most important when planning a family is that the outcome is secure and comfortable for everyone involved.

For the child you’re bringing into this world, that has to remain paramount.