The scene is a large field with a stage and tents near Kearney, Ontario, close to dusk. Billions and billions of blackflies have gathered for BloodFest “06, the annual rally for the 255 North American species of the blood-feeding family of Simuliidae. One of their leaders, Eric, hovers up on stage. Like all blackflies, he is humpbacked and bug-eyed. He wears a BloodFest “06 T-shirt with a squashed-mosquito icon on the front and the slogan “You suck—I bite!”
“G
reetings, Simuliidae! [The insects cheer and swarm.] Welcome to our annual rally, close to the all-you-can-eat blood buffet of Algonquin Park. My name is Eric and I’ll be your host this weekend, so just relax and enjoy. [They hover.] I guess you all know why we’re here today—to celebrate the blackfly’s contribution to Canadian history and ecology, to learn more about our neglected heritage—and, of course, to knock back a whole lot of blood! [Whistles.] Have you checked out the park yet Man, I bit one tasty loon today. [Someone fakes a loon call.]“Speaking of loons, I have to ask: how come they end up on a coin and we don’t Is it the bling around the neck Loons can vocalize, no question, and they’re crazy enough to mate for life [guffaws]...but they don’t kick butt like us!
“And did you see all those TV ads during the Olympics, with those two cartoon beavers How do they get to be a Canadian symbol We are talking about a large, nocturnal rodent with tiny eyes, folks. Okay, they have good work habits—beavers are the cubicle workers of the animal kingdom. But they destroy trees. Is that what we want from an icon They dam the rivers we depend on for our hatching and incubation, and they’re hopeless in a crisis. For instance, if Canada requires more military muscle—say in Afghanistan—what good is a beaver Are they going to make checkpoints out of twigs and mud Our mighty nation of blackflies, on the other hand, can marshal aggressive bug power up into the trillions. The human politicians Stephen Harper and Rick Hillier claim they want to strengthen our military presence. Well, we have the numbers. We trump the Canadian population by at least a couple billion. And we’re aggressive—we’re the ultimate carbon-dioxide-seeking missile. Consider what a Blackfly Battalion could do to safeguard international peace. [Some insects start chanting “All we are saying...” until the rest drown them out.]
“By the way, has anyone out there ever tried to bite Stephen Harper Tried to get up into that gelpak hairline I haven’t worked so hard since I tried to feed on a prairie bison. He was worth it, though. There’s really nothing like human blood, right [Cheers.] But our impact on animals has been totally underestimated; do you really think those herds of caribou in the far north migrate just for the fun of it No! They’re trying to outrun us! Self-esteem, folks—just remember that a couple hundred blackflies in a feeding frenzy can bring a 300-pound ungulate to its knees. We may be small—okay, we’re tiny, and we only live three weeks—but were powerful. No one, not even Donald Rumsfeld, has considered harnessing the power of the blackfly as a biological weapon. But when the call comes, we’ll be ready! [Sustained applause.]
“Hey, remember when Justin Trudeau took that little paddle down the Nahanni Wasn’t he delicious See, we don’t discriminate between who we bite and who we don’t—and that’s what you want in a fighting insect.
“A word about mosquitoes here. [Boos.] No, come on now, they do what they do pretty well. I know some of you think they’re just stagnant-water bums who can’t hack the currents, but with the heat on about West Nile these days, theyre going through a rough time. deet levels are up everywhere—I don’t have to tell you that. They’ve lost a lot of numbers so let’s remember: we’re all insects here. Although they tend to overdo the whining thing, and their tactics are predictable—buzz, land, eat sort of thing. Bo-ring. A lot of them get whacked that way.
“But when a human encounters a blackfly...well, we’re just very erratic. We hover. We crawl, but we don’t always bite—it drives the humans nuts! We can also land silently, infiltrate cuffs and collars, scope out the rim of the ear—yum—then we open our mouthparts and actually bite their flesh! That little pool of blood is what nourishes our eggs, of course. But it’s not even strictly necessary—we just like to do it! By the time the humans get around to slapping at us and counting their welts, we’re already out of there, with their blood. You know, there’s nothing wrong with mosquitoes for simple puncture wounds and all-round irritation. It’s just that in terms of numbers and stealthy aggression, we’ve got it all over them.
“But listen, isn’t it weird that May 24th is the weekend when many humans leave home to visit their small woodland dwellings What are they thinking This is our time! The rivers thaw, the tree buds burstand were all out there, on the job. Just the other day, I personally fed on the blood of every member of the extended Patterson family of Gravenhurst, Ontario, who were determined to grill some steaks, at dusk—near some rapids. [Laughter.] There was some serious football neck there, folks—tough but sweet. Ten minutes, and they were running back inside. On May 24th—we rule! [Whistles, swarm-dancing.]
“A couple announcements: for all you ladies, the prenatal tent is set up in Section H. I know some of you are laying 150 to 600 eggs a season, and we want you to know that we really appreciate all your efforts. [Applause.] After all, not only do you lay all the eggs, you do all the biting and feeding to fatten up the eggs.” [” And what is it you guys do again” Laughter.] “Okay. Nice. Settle down, ladies.” [Male voice shouts, “We have sex with blueberries.”]
“Suuurre we pollinate the berries—who started that rumour anyway We might hang around blueberries. We might land on them or skim off a little nectar, right But we leave the pollinating to the big furry guys who buzz. No, our job is...[He turns to a roadie standing in the wings.] Can you help me out, Richie
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