Raj Inc. Power Tower
Toronto, Ontario
April 7, 2008
Thank you for signing a two-year contract for a Raj Best Choice Cable Internet, Television, and Cellular Service Bundle.
Unfortunately, due to business realities imposed on Raj Inc. by the recent discovery of a scientific force known as “profit gravity” and ongoing price gouging by Lola’s Executive Massage, Raj has been forced to alter all two-year agreements. Henceforth, a two-year term will be interpreted as a four-year obligation, which will be taken to mean eight years, which will in turn represent commitments of sixteen, thirty-two, and sixty-four, then through death to x n-> ? years. This is not, please understand, a corporate decision so much as a consequence of the immutable laws of physics and Lola’s rapacious yet loving touch. Any upcoming private island acquisitions by our imperial board should be viewed as purely coincidental.
In response to concerns from our valued customers about these exciting new xn->infinity-year bundles, Raj is pleased to announce an offer for those who thought they were signing two-year contracts: Raj Formidable Choice End-of-Life Cable and Cellular Contract Fulfillment Insurance!
Each of us, at one time or another in our lives, dies. At Raj, we believe death’s abundant bounty should be reaped by friends, family, and tax collectors, not providers of technological services. So for an escalating fee of our choosing — discoverable by logging in each month at raj.ca and sending us an updated financial profile adorned with a photo of yourself in a morally compromising position — we’ll consider your contract fulfilled in the event of your death, and will waive all charges for early termination.1
We’re sure you’ll agree that Formidable Choice Insurance is the best way to avoid owing Raj tens of thousands of dollars upon your death, thereby forcing us to send a notoriously ill-tempered collection agency after your heirs (Denise, the twins, the Canadian Cancer Society . . . everyone).
Some customers have responded to this offer with confusion. Why, they ask, would I want to end my relationship with Raj just because I’ve died?
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