The Walrus Blog

Last night I broke into Steve Jobs’ house on Waverley Street in Palo Alto. I got a cheap flight out of Buffalo at 6 am on United to LAX for only $262 return. The wonder of flexible dates! Flying out of Buffalo is a breeze – literally. They make you go through one of those bomb-sniffing blow-up-your skirt-like-you-are-Marilyn-Monroe things. I always forget to wear pants (it is springtime) and everyone in line gets an upskirt view from me.

I rented a 2010 Camaro from Avis. I insisted that I get a shifter car but they had none in stock. Americans are entirely addicted to luxury cars and I don’t really blame them.

The traffic was thick but that was okay because I listened to Howard Stern interview Denise Richards over and over for the 8 hour drive. I love her! If H1N1 really took hold and wiped out all the car owners because it suddenly spread easily via gas station pump handles then it would have only taken me 5 hours. Dare to dream.

Note to the haters: Denise is surprisingly down to earth and logical.

Once I got to Steve’s house I hid under his car. This was probably reckless but I am loathe to stand in shrubbery because of my nasal rhinitis. I forgot to bring any water but I had my ancient and old iphone so I twittered and texted. (NOTE: I was not so foolish as to geolocate my twittering or to reveal my operation. I’m not a fool.)

The Jobs’ go to bed really early but he’s a nerd so you never know if he’s off in some soft dark corner massaging his gadgets. So I waited until 5 am. Word on the street* is that he is returning to work and will be at the Worldwide Developers Conference (WWDC) on Tuesday. He needs his sickness-healing beauty sleep and even a nerd has to sleep some time.

I had absolutely no idea where he kept the 2009 iphone so I had to run totally on instinct. Luckily, my instincts are better than fact. This is a direct result of eating nothing but Fruit Loops for the first decade of my life. Just try it and you’ll see.

My Fruit-Loopy senses led me to the fridge. Not just any fridge of course but a but a restored 1956 Hotpoint Stainless Steel jobby – the cadillac of fridges. I fell just a little apart seeing that fridge but I was on a mission for the people. As soon as I opened the Hotpoint I knew I was on the right track. The fridge was clearly just a front. There was nothing in it except for one large beefsteak tomato – and everyone knows you are not supposed to refrigerate tomatoes. I reached for it to save the Jobs’ from eating a tasteless tomato and as soon as my hand touched it TURNED INTO THE NEW IPHONE.

Muffling cries of joy I pulled the pin, leapt into my Avis automatic Camaro and beat it back to Buffalo.

WHAT I LIKE BEST ABOUT THE NEW IPHONE:

It has been entirely branded by the Twilight movie franchise so it is matte black, and therefore, terribly cool.

Like the desktop and laptop Apple machines, when you put it to sleep it pulses. Only, unlike the bigger computers it is not a visual thing (a beating light) but physical. It purrs in your hand like a my yorkie Jesus getting a belly rub.

Best of all, there is a camera on the front side and video-enabled chat. Terrified but too blissed-out not to try, I clicked on the chat app and called the only person listed on Steve’s buddy list: GOD.

There was no answer.

*“the street” now means “twitter”

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